


What a Wonderful Kind of Underworld

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Based on a Tumblr Post, Bullying, Child Abuse, Im bad at this, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Kuroo is the demon king, M/M, No Beta, Past Character Death, Protect Kenma, RIP me, Suicidal Thoughts, cares, idk where it is though, im so tired, slow build kinda, underworld AU, who cars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 22:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6444058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kozume Kenma is lonely and decides that the best kind of company would be Satan himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What a Wonderful Kind of Underworld

**Author's Note:**

> im so tired kill me

Hell didn't really work the way most people would think. There wasn't "seven layers of hell where the suffering got more hard core the further down" or "eternally being dunked into a pool of lava and then being stabbed in the tummy." Despite what most religions say the underworld was actually a functioning society with a set government and good economy.

Of course this begs the question, "What about Satan, surely he exists right. The idea of him just wasn't pulled out of thin air right?" Of course they are right there is a "Satan" they just happened to call him "King of Demons." In a truth he had about as much power as the president of the USA did.                                                                                     However the image of a big red scary demon was wrong and frankly offensive. Yeah everyone in the Underworld had horns on their head and a tail above their booty but the first King was a big bald man with a terrible case of shingles, rest his soul, and when he was finally recognized as satan everyone just accepted that he was it, considering all the sightings were usually only once in a lifetime and demons lived much, much longer than humans (usually about 10,000 years, or 100 in human years).

But learning the history of Hell is not the point of this story.                                                                                                                                                                                   In Kuroo Tetsuro's 2,000 year alive after being killed by a random mugger, he joined the presidential race for the newly opened position. It had all been a huge joke thought up by his best friend Bokuto who claimed it was nothing less then ' _funny as hell no bro don't look at me like that I didn't mean to make a pun'_.                                                         However for someone who was rejected from heaven Kuroo was generally a great guy. Smart, charming, great leadership abilities and overall kind.                                               Truly the only thing that stopped him from going to heaven was that he was super duper gay (also he may have been a hardcore pirate for foreign movies but he was so weak for Leonardo DiCaprio) so as he ran his champaign, with Bokuto's boyfriend Akaashi as his manager he raked up a surprisingly high amount of supporters. Everyone just liked him a lot, young women voters like his messy bed head and lazy grin, older folk liked the thought of someone new to the Underworld and therefore more familiar with earth's government.

So now here Kuroo sat in his new office and he almost felt screwed over. Yeah it was funny at first but, shit now he had to take action and actually do stuff and that just wasn't chill. He of course would adapt.

Hopefully.

He was so busy feeling sorry for himself that he barely noticed the awkward coughing from the door.

"Umm sir, I have your daily report," Lev the very tall man who had a full head of gray hair and sharp green eyes that made him look like a cat but his overall excited to please demeanor gave the impression of a newborn puppy. "I could leave it for tomorrow but there is a pressing matter I think you should address involving earth-."

"Lev listen, tell old General Ukai that if mentions wanting to attack the earth one more time I will stand right outside his bedroom window, from midnight till three in the morning screaming loudly and excessively." Kuroo announced swiveling his chair around to jump out the window and escape.                                                                             Of course, a guard would go collect him from behind whatever trash can he had hidden behind and bring him back kicking and scratching. Lev wouldn't stop him it would be funny enough to zero out the consequences.                                                                                                                                                                                                     Well back to the problem on hand. "No sir, you were summoned."

Oh well that changed absolutely everything in Kuroo's mind.

"Oho oho oho, now is that right? And on my first day as well how lucky! Alright Lev bring em' over!"                                                                                                                       Lev smiled almost thankfully he could practically taste the large glass of warm tea he was gonna drink when he got home.

He took a step and suddenly all he could taste was the carpeted floor that he had just tripped over.

Kuroo watched with the same shit-eating grin he always had, pathetically trying to contain his totally mature giggling Of course Lev didn't hear this, or maybe he just didn't hear, either way he just picked up the fallen papers with a big loopy smile muttering apologizes every two seconds. As he stood up Kuroo couldn't help but wonder why they hired this giant looser.

"Ok for starters he asked for you, his name is Kozume Kenma and he hails from Tokyo, Japan," Kuroo vaguely feels his heart twitch, he might have been from there. "he's 18 and is currently in what I think must be his backyard shed."

Now being summoned was something that was very common in the Underworld. Everyday someone is summoned, whether it is by a surviving loved one, someone out for revenge or even a random group of giggling teenagers who don't mean any harm but most defiantly piss themselves when it works. Though more then not people get it wrong. You don't just turn off your bathroom lights and chant verses from the bible and boom! Satan is there and willing to fill out your every request, or maybe even kill you? Nah, most people down here are chill but won't do your dirty work for you.

Dismissing that thought he flipped through the packet:

  * _Kozume Kenma_
  * _18 years old_
  * _Only child,_
  * _Third year at Nekoma High School,_
  * _Father deceased and already going through reincarnation_
  * _his mother is currently unemployed and has been suspected by neighbors of beating her son by nothing has been confirmed,_
  * _Pays all the bills in the house_
  * _Has a quiet personalty,_
  * _goes to an early morning job then to school and then stays till ten at an after-school job._



"Goddamn Lev I can't figure it out but this kid's name seems so familiar," He huffed airily throwing the packet on his desk. Lev watched him with a careful eye, it was his second week on the job and he didn't want to be fired because the new King had jumped through the window for the second time this week. "I should just go now. A gentlemen never leaves his date waiting isn't that right? If I leave now I should be back right at the end of the morning meeting."

"But you know you have to go!-" Lev's plea fell on deaf ears as Kuroo ditched his duties to go hang out on earth.

Lev could practically feel the overtime he wouldn't be paid for and a silent tear fell down his cheek.

_"Why did we elect this dumbass!"_

* * *

 

It was a chilly fall night in Tokyo. On a quiet street with rows of small lifeless houses that reeked of alcohol and had tiny rents a boy sat in his tiny backyard shed, breathing so quiet you could think he was dead. The only sign of his life was the almost comically violent shaking. He was freezing and the only blanket he was willing to get dirty was tiny, old and wiry. It was barely big enough to cover his already minuscule frame.

Besides this his eyes were so tired. He was just so tired. Golden eyes that still had the smallest of dulled shine, the effect of youth seemed to have run dry with him. His hair sat in lump strands that were a half gradient with cheap blonde dye. Milky white skin that some might call beautiful was marred by an ugly green and purple bruise right under his eye. Blood that stuck to his split lip was long given up in being cleaned up. He stared at the strip of light that illuminated from the slit in the shed door just making the mess of black ink visible. He almost smiled at how stupid the idea seemed now. Of course though, Kozume Kenma had thought long and hard about it. At 18 years old he hadn't accomplished anything all that exciting. Currently in his 3rd and final year of high school, the only record he's gotten is most toilet swirlies and the only prize was smelling like pee for the rest of the day. He'd never done anything to invoke them either.                                                                                                                                                   Kenma was a silent guy who stuck to himself, and not a prideful silent either. Nope is presence was so tiny he could walk out of his classroom in the middle of class without anyone noticing a thing. It was sometimes a bad thing though. It scared him that he could just disappear and no one would notice him. Just suddenly die and life would go on. Who would mourn someone they never really met?

The thought both scared him but intrigued him just as much.

So with the thought of death on his mind he decided that he might as well be as reckless as much as he cared to or as little. He would do stupid mindless stuff until he decided he was done and then he would just die. It sounded absolutely wonderful to him. This little 'experiment' was not the most logical thing he has done. It had been a night much like this one when he had come across the idea on some random forum. He had just calmed down from an anxiety attack and was mindlessly browsing on an old laptop (using his neighbor's wifi of course) until he could coax his mind into sleep. But then he had come across his, a simple word document that was in the mix of random conversations. It's seemed so insignificant with only 3 views and Kenma just couldn't help but relate to it. He clicked on it without any expectations and was surprised when the instructions were on how to summon Satan. Even just thinking about it made him feel silly.

Though he wasn't sure why he hadn't just closed the tab and went to bed. For whatever reason he decided that "Hey either this will work and send me to hell or my death will might as well!" He still felt like this was all a joke the universe was playing on him to get his hopes up, only to make him feel like the biggest idiot ever. The materials list was simple and not very expensive. You see, while though being quiet and cooperative didn't get him many friends it had always kept him on the good side of adults. He would always accept clean up duty when asked, or _yes he would be able to deliver this to the teacher's room it is no problem._                                                                             Cashiers usually adored him when he was polite and had the exact amount of money out and ready to go. So when Kenma needed supplies, even some of the questionable ones, he had plenty of semi-respectable adults to help him out. So slowly over about a month he had collected a whole collection of candles that rivaled that of a middle-aged women and about a gallon of goats blood, which was easy to get _also, he should probably call the police on his local butcher._

So now here Kenma sat.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Watching as the flames of 26 carefully placed candles flicker in and out of exists with blue tails. The stench of old irony blood and fresh wet ink lay thick and the shed and Kenma almost felt the need to go get some kind of mask. He didn't want to risk it though. With only seven minutes to midnight if he was caught inside by his mom and then they would probably get into and argument and then she would- well it would go down as it always did

And the minutes clocked down.

Kozume Kenma wasn't a religious person by any means. When his father was alive he would take his mother and him to church every Sunday. Kenma could never find any solace or meaning in the preachers proper voice and loud words. Everything from the moment he was born and soon to the day he will be dead has been utterly and completely confusing. He knew he wasn't in any religion but he didn't feel right being called an atheist. Like most things in life Kenma just didn't care. The cold dust of wind along with the repetitive beeping of his worn wrist watch brought him out of his stupor. It was finally midnight and Kenma wasn't sure whether or not he was happy about that. He looked around the shed cautiously and focused all his senses on searching for a change in his surroundings. But after a minute he gave up with a heart heavier than the bags under his eyes,

"I can't believe I got myself this psyched up for something that didn't even work," he said humorlessly to no one.                                                                                                "No one wonder everyone thinks I'm such a failure." A deep voice interrupted his pity party with a hearty chuckle and an amused voice, "Well I wouldn't exactly say that."            

Kenma Kozume doesn't remember ever screaming so loudly in his life his neighbors probably _hate him._

**Author's Note:**

> pls comment im desperate for attention rip me 
> 
> also please send me a msg if u want to help write this bad boy because im soo busy and always tired and i have a lot of ideas but no time pls think of the children


End file.
